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Dont Be An MLM Zombie – Worst MLM Marketing Techniques Ever (True Story)

Until now, I have only shared these experiences with some of my closest friends and business partners, but today I am putting it all out there… At the very least, you will have a good laugh at my expense. I hope that by sharing a few of my past experiences in the network marketing industry, I can prevent others from going down that path of MOST resistance. A path that leads to a very dark forest, where you will alienate, or even loose friends, and send business prospects running from you as if you were a real life zombie from Walking Dead.

My first exposure to the network marketing/MLM industry was when I was 19 years old (we will not mention company names). I was actually taught, and in most cases, I paid to learn these “marketing strategies”. The funny thing (well maybe not so funny) is that I still see people doing most of these exact activities. I don’t know if they are being taught these techniques like I was, or if they are just modeling after other broke marketers, but one thing’s for sure, they are learning a hard lesson.

I have named each of these techniques accordingly. Some of you might even recognize them …and yes I admit it, I once actually did almost all of this stuff.

So, here we go…

Mr. BizOp Party Crasher

This is the guy who shows up to every gathering, party, or event whether invited or not, with a pocket full of business cards and a fist full of CDs. Then proceeds to hand them out to EVERYONE. This individual may even be so bold as to wear his company logo, t-shirt, or level pin, thinking that people will be impressed and ask him about it.

Mr. Marketing Tools Hoarder

This guy is a rockstar at buying every marketing tool, brochure, CD/DVD or Flip Book that his traditional MLM company recommends. He shows up alone every week to his local “business briefing”, “Super Saturday”, or whatever it may be called to find that his prospect is a no-show. The problem is that in his mind he is building his business by buying more marketing tools. They end up stacking up in piles until they can fill an entire room. Unfortunately, he could never possibly distribute that many materials, and he can never sell them back to anyone since the tools get updated and changed every couple of months.

Mr. Bookstore Prospecting Heavy Breather

This is the guy who hangs out at the local bookstore in the business/self help isle waiting to pounce on anyone who reaches toward a Robert Kiyosaki, Napoleon Hill (or other business related) book.

We call him the heavy breather because when someone did this to me no too long ago, I could hear his nervous breathing behind me as he watched my every move. I could almost feel him trying to gather the courage to start a conversation. If he only knew that I’d been in his exact shoes and knew exactly what he was up to πŸ™‚

Mr. Awkward Conversation Mall Lurker

This guy will hang out at the mall all day thinking he is working on his business. After several hours of trying to get a conversation going with anyone who will give him the time of day, he may even resort to desperate techniques like dropping phony $100 dollar bills with a sticker on the back with his phone number and company website. Then watch as people pick them up, realize they are not real and promptly toss them in the trash …LOL

Mr. Open Car Window Grenade Tosser

Oh, ya! This guy is a real annoyance. He is the one who flings his business card or CD/DVD into every parked car window that left an open slot. Then, after spending the day tossing grenades, he rushes home and sits by the phone waiting for interested prospects to call. I did not realize how annoying this actually was until it was done to me.

Mr. Front Porch Bomber

This guy drives around nice neighborhoods and leaves brochures on porches thinking that the owner will surely be interested enough to check out his website and sign up in his business opportunity. Years ago… I even had a member of my up-line drive me around for an entire week doing this… LOL Unbelievable!

Mr. Windshield Litterer

We have all been victims of this guy… He finds large parking lots with no security and proceeds to pin his business card or other material under the the driver’s side windshield wiper. He actually thinks that people will take it out, read it, think it’s super cool… and be very interested to buy from him or join his business.

Mr. Telephone Psycho

This is the guy that buys huge lists of supposedly “exclusive HOT leads”, and proceeds to spend 4 to 6 hours per day dialing for dollars. He’ll make 200 to 300 calls per day, to reach 20 to 30 people, get hung up on by 15 to 20 of them, convince 5-10 to allow him to send an info pack or website link for more info…. and possibly, when he gets really good at his game… recruits 2-4 people per month… only to have them quit the very next month.

…Oh, and let’s not forget the version of this guy that cold calls people from job-seeker sites and online resumes (unemployed people looking for work), and tries to convince them to invest in a home business instead. C’mon!… Wouldn’t it make more sense to spend your time talking to people, prepared to invest in their business, that already want to join you?

Mr. Piece Of Crap Car With A Millionaire Bumper Sticker Driver – (I see this all the time, so I thought I’d include it here)

This is the guy that has a custom bumper sticker made that says something like “MakeYourMillion.com”, or “TheMillionaireDad.com” and proceeds to affix it to the bumper of his 1987 Honda civic with sun-faded paint. Now this one never made sense to me, even back when I was desperate and doing some of the other crazy activities.

Now, most, if not all of you reading this post already know that the above techniques will net you absolutely nothing but embarrassment and prolonged failure. It is no way to attract friends, create influence and authority, build your business… or sell anything.

Mr. Jack Of All Trades Master Of NONE

I used to see this all the time… This is the guy with the business card that says something like…

Jack Imadabbler

Life Coach, Graphic Artist, Website Builder, Team Leader, Plumber, Independent Rep for ABC company, Affiliate for XYZ company, etc.

So… what does Jack do exactly? …I’m guessing a little bit of everything and whole lot of nothing πŸ™‚

Many of these guys listed above have also migrated to the internet and simply translated the same activities into the “cooler” online versions… such as SPAMMING the heck out of marketing forums, Facebook groups, and even their own Facebook profile walls. It’s often hard to tell if they are hard working people that have just been taught the wrong stuff, or if they are really Fizzlenaughts that continually jump from one thing to the next, promoting multiple business opportunities at once with the hopes that one will “pan out”. Then, when none of them do, they cry “SCAM” and hop onto the next big product or system launch.

The biggest lesson I learned years ago after being taught that the above strategies were “how you do the business”?…


People join people, not businesses… In order to be successful in the home business/network marketing industry, or really any industry for that matter, you need to become the kind of person that people want to join… want to buy from. This does not mean you have to be super successful before anyone will join you, but rather that it needs to be clear you are focused and going somewhere. …That you can be the bridge that others are looking for to help them get from where they are currently, to where they want to be.

These days, I seldom ever talk about my business unless someone really asks me about it (which they do). I spend my time focusing on sharing what I’ve learned, cool information, effective strategies, solutions to common marketing struggles… real VALUE that helps others get what they want! …and as a result, I personally sponsor 15-30 people on average, into my business EVERY SINGLE MONTH!

Put your focus on the things in life that you are truly passionate about and like-minded people will find you interesting and become your friends, and some of them will join you in business once they see that you have a consistent message.

The faster you adopt this concept of “Attraction Marketing“, the faster you will see success in your business, and your life.

If you’re still trying to get your head around how to attract the right people to you on the internet, I highly suggest that you check out this awesome platform.

If you found this post helpful, or if you have some of your own horrible (but valuable) networking experiences, I would love to hear about them. Please leave me a comment below and share.

To Your Success!

~ Jon Ochs

16 comments… add one
  • I love this system. Why? I can see it working πŸ™‚

  • Awsome blog post Jon…

    • Thanks Mikael! ..appreciate your comment πŸ™‚

  • Great post Jon Its amazing how many people think they are in business πŸ˜‰


  • WOW… Awesome post. I never didn’t see the explanation of different Mr MLM’s πŸ™‚ True and Funny at the same time. Thanks Jon.

  • I can surely relate to a few of these characters.I wish I still ha a picture of my 1986 VW Golf 2 with my business opportunity sticker on the back window and side doors…I must say I was never really comfortable with that idea but by sponsor was doing it…so go figure

    • Excellent Ricardo… thanks for your comment man! πŸ™‚

  • Then, when none of them do, they cry β€œSCAM” and hop onto the next big product or system launch.

    • Yep.. that’s exactly right Babu! πŸ™‚

  • At least I’m learning from my mistakes! I’ve learned so much in fact that I think I’ll make some moreπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  • Very funny and interesting post. Sadly as austerity bites further and further, people grow more vulnerable and are more likely to fall for this crap. And there have always been ‘get rich quick’ suckers who never read the small print. Ok, so here’s another MLM horror – mainly aimed at women:

    Ok so you’ve just had a baby and are feeling alone, exhausted, depleted, leaky – the opposite of a dynamic, interesting person. Along comes this nice woman at baby group. You’re desperate for adult companionship and you get on well. You have coffee. Then she invites you to her house for lunch. Along you go, only to see five or six similarly babied up women all looking confusedly at each other. Suddenly your new friend jumps up, shut the curtains, turn on a CHART and start in with weirdly rehearsed stuff like: ‘Have you always wanted to make Β£10000000000000 a week without working? Ummmm – me too! Well now I can thanks to X.’

    On she goes pointing at flow charts (meaningless) and pictures of people in speed boats or lying on beaches (?!) interspersed with ‘motivational quotes’ like: ‘There’s one born every minute!’

    Normally I would have sat frozen with embarrassment but luckily my newborn son had more balls and started yelling his head off, so I ran off. When she rang me up the next day, I said that I didn’t appreciate being treated like a marketing opportunity. She said, ok but continued to bombard me with messages – it was like someone trying to drag me into a cult!

    • haha.. great story! Thanks for sharing Jane πŸ™‚


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